Speeches, descriptions, discourses and any other type of word collection seem so short of what one can say about a person. Repeating even trivializes any content. I have no idea what medium to choose to keep alive Jaan´s memory. It is frivolous to talk about it all day long but after 4 days of his absence I cannot think of anything else, constantly, compulsively. I want to say it all, event the smallest of details. He liked and appreciated everything he had, without any shade of doubt his was the best family, home, house, wife, doctor and country, not to mention things: his pillow, his bed, his watch, his car (beyond its useful years), and everything else. This I see as a great display of generosity. He could not see a flaw on us, and judged no one. This understanding and acceptation of life as it is, of others most admirable. He was not loud, extravagant or dramatic, the very contrary, Jaan was calm, modest and elegant. He was humble but with dignity. He was brave, courageous and giving. He loved me, our children and family everyday with countless silent acts. His life and departure both were his gifts to us. He lived for us and tried to keep alive for our sake and protection while his body was so exhausted that he could barely move. The past years his strength of will supported many recoveries. Wherever he might be, I hope that he is free of burdens and pains, blessed, and happy. I hope he departed knowing for a fact that we saw the human being he was and loved him even if in a very clumsy manner. He liked the Estonian Summers, berries, the forest, collected tin cans and adds, liked golf, football, books, writing, British humor, his home, Saturdays, his old clothes, memories of childhood, Estonian programs, politics, Purtse, maps, listening to radio, rock music from the sixties, French songs, the sea, friends, beer, sauna, holding my hand, Estonian manor houses, cheese, wine, walking, seeing his family happy. I do not want to ever forget these or his reassuring presence in my past 16 years. I loved this man, and I want to feel him again next to me.
I have no idea can I continue writing anything on this blog or not. Our family has changed. I do not feel the same person. There has to be a mark or many to this time. A beautiful picture of my dearest will follow and I will see when I can bring my self to return to these activities ever againg.
